The last few months have been a blur…since deciding to return to Europe and follow God’s call in our lives there we have had a lot on our minds. Easily, the most weighing issue on my mind has been our support. Over the past nine months we’ve lost, oh…just a bit…sarcasm.
It’s amazing how much ground we’ve been able to gain over the past few months though. We’ve met some amazing people, had a lot of good connections with old friends, and have had to do a lot of explaining about what God has been doing in our lives, which we do with joy because we are excited about where we are heading…and our past is a part of the future.
We’re coming up on 20 days from when we want to leave. Just typing that makes my stomach go upside down. Not because I’m apprehensive about another cross cultural move, but because there is much ground to gain and many miracles to be seen for this to happen. I am genuinely nervous with expectation. I don’t know another way to say it. I really don’t know how possible it will be for us to go back in 20 some days. I want to so badly, more so than the first time over, but this go ’round with finances has been a lot tougher.
We were having dinner with some friends last night and Eric asked me, “How much of your time is spent thinking about your finances?” The answer…nearly all of it. His admonition to me was to trust. I agreed, I need to remember that God is ultimately in control. But what I’m bummed out about is the fact that I am not spending this crucial time spiritually preparing to go back. It’s frustrating to be spending some silent time praying and reading only to be constantly fighting the ‘to-do list’ that is scrolling in my brain. Even now, I know that I may have trouble falling asleep because of the things that need to happen in order for us to make our goal of going back for our Staff Conference. I’m sure that if we don’t make it then God has a perfectly legit reason for it! We’re at peace about it, but at the same time it will be hard to not be there. But isn’t ironic that we’re being sent out on a spiritual journey, but my mind is taken over with issues of money. I hate this sad irony. Is it me? Is it the reality of us getting back to Europe? I just wish it was different…maybe it can be.
I guess I’m writing this mostly for myself. But also to give anyone who reads these words an idea of the struggle that it is for me to truly trust God with something so tangible. If we get to the end of July and are still in the US then we are going to be faced with more questions and I fear that we’ll spend most of our time trying to continue to raise funds instead of becoming more spiritually and emotionally prepared to go. Maybe we should go regardless of the money and see how God provides then? Maybe we will.